Posted on January 29, 2011 - by Jennifer

SmartGuide: Timetable Not Available

Akhil and an old school Melbourne tram

Since we decided to live car-free for our first year in Melbourne, Akhil and I rely on the city’s public transportation system.¬† Like any major city, there are plenty of people in Melbourne who swear their public transport is the worst.¬† And they have some legitimate gripes.¬† But, love it or hate it, Melbourne’s system is unique because it has the world’s largest network of trams.¬† While other Australian cities replaced trams with buses by the mid-70’s, Melbourne stood by her trams.¬† And with major cities all over the world struggling to cope with gridlock, now Melbourne looks pretty smart.¬† Trams enjoy exclusive lanes on many of Melbourne’s main streets so while cars are at a standstill, trams breeze by.¬† That said, trams are plagued by congestion of a different kind – the crush of bodies on a tram at rush hour.¬† Tram operators don’t linger at stops and if you are on a crowded tram and not fortunate enough to be near an exit, an “excuse me” will not suffice and a light touch will not plead your case. You will have to push and shove your way to a door.¬† At times, the experience is what I imagine it feels like in a rugby scrum with all kinds of force being exerted from all sides but no one really getting anywhere.

However, when you travel during off-peak hours, the trams are delightful and a great chance to get a feel for the city as you glide along the rails.¬† You can appreciate the bold geometric shapes and colors of new architecture mingled with the graceful pillars and curves of old mansions and civic buildings.¬† You can enjoy the distinct qualities of the different neighborhoods – from Chapel Street’s crammed-together cafes and boutiques, to the tree-lined expansiveness of St Kilda Road, to the mix of suits and tourists, jockeying for space on the streets of the CBD.¬† And tram journeys are made even more delightful by an iPhone app called TramTracker.¬† TramTracker let’s you find nearby stops, gives you real-time updates of tram arrival times, and best of all, offers an “onboard” feature.¬† When you board the tram, you enter it’s 4 digit ID number and TramTracker locates the tram you are on and basically follows the progress of the tram as it travels, so you know exactly where you are on the route and can easily see how many stops are between you and your destination.¬† When you are going somewhere new, it takes a lot of the stress out of the trip. And during rush hour when you are so packed in amongst bodies that you cannot see out the window to enjoy the view (or figure out where you are),¬† it’s TramTracker to the rescue, telling you where you are and helping you calculate how long you have to plan an escape route!

I Enjoy a Tram Ride on a Rainy Melbourne Night

In addition to allowing you to see the sights, trams also bring together a great cross-section of the city and provide terrific people watching (and listening) opportunities. For example, this is part of an actual conversation I overheard on a tram:

Aussie Girl:¬† The people who live upstairs are japanese so they’re very quiet.

Aussie Boy:  Do they do origami and shit?

And although you often have little or no interaction with tram operators, occasionally you get a surprise like a recent Friday night tram driver who somehow channelled the smooth, deep voice of Barry White through his compact, 50-something Asian frame.¬† When we approached a spot on the tram route with a few curves in the road, he warned passengers that they might need to hold on, purring “it’s like when you do the sambaaaaahhh – your hips swaaaaaayyyy side to siiiiide-ahhhhh”. ¬† Later, as two women alighted from the tram in a residential area he cooed, “It’s tooooo earrrrly to go home.”

So, What Can You Tell Us, SmartGuide?

A few years ago, the trains, buses, and trams of Melbourne were unified under the umbrella of Metlink.  Seems like a good plan to more seamlessly integrate public transport so customers can easily go between rail and tram or tram and bus.  SmartGuide kiosks (like the one pictured here) were even installed at some tram stops to help you plan your journey.  Akhil and I noticed them one night and decided to use one and that is when we realised that the SmartGuide was, well, not really that smart.  And in some ways, the SmartGuide that cannot give you a schedule is a good metaphor for public transport in Melbourne as a whole.  There are great successes (like TramTracker) and good intentions (like SmartGuide) but also perplexing failures, like Myki.

Myki is a bright blue and yellowish green plastic card that (according to the brochures and posters plastered all over the trams) is the “key” to your transportation happiness.¬† It will make your smile brighter and your waistline slimmer and your quips wittier (okay, they don’t actually¬† promise that, but you get the idea).

So, the government’s idea was to phase out traditional paper tickets and get everyone to use cheery plastic Myki cards which can be continually recharged or “topped up”.¬† Sounds simple, right,?¬† Even fun?¬† Why, yes, good sir, I would love to top up my card!¬† Well, somehow what started as a great idea became a tangled mess with allegations of mismanagement and corruption in the awarding of the contracts to create and roll out the Myki system, and massive delays (bids were awarded in 2005 and a system that was supposed to be in place by 2007 is only now semi-operational)

For the government, one big problem is that Myki card readers are temperamental and their are “black holes” on certain tram routes where they simply cease working.¬† This complicates things because of the way you pay to ride a tram. When you board a tram, it’s basically an honour system.¬† As you board, you are supposed to make your way to the machines that process either the old paper cards or the new Myki cards.¬† These are two different machines and they are usually attached to the railings near the tram doors.¬† The paper ticket readers typically work quickly and easily.¬† Myki readers‚Ķnot so much.¬† It often takes several swipes for the system to “read” your card.¬† Not such a problem during off-peak hours.¬† But, remember the rugby scrum of rush hour?¬† Well, good luck getting to a machine and establishing your position in order to and swipe your card (multiple times) while the scrum pushes you forward and back. So, revenue is lost every day.

Myki Ad - their smiles mask their pain.

For riders, the biggest problem is the calculation of fares.¬† I guarantee that not a single smiling, relaxed person in those ads for Myki (pictured right) has ever tried to calculate the best way to store money on the card.¬† If they had, those bright smiles would be replaced with perplexed frowns and furrowed brows (and they might also be brandishing pitchforks). Basically, you can put your money in different accounts on the card depending on how often you use public transportation and what kinds of trips you take.¬† Then, depending on which account you have chosen, a fare is deducted for your trip when you scan your card.¬† In order to decide what account best suits your needs, you have to read A LOT of fine print.¬† I personally read through the details at least three times and I concluded that I wanted to keep buying paper tickets, because I understand how they work.¬† But wait‚Ķthere’s more.¬† Dizzyingly, if you want to hedge your bets, you can store money in different accounts and when you scan your card, the system is supposed to recognise the best deal and apply that fare.¬† Great!¬† Except this is the same system that can often barely manage to read your card.¬† I mean, if it can’t read, is it really ready for math?

Hmmmm, you say?  You suspect you are smart enough to determine how to allocate your money and strong enough to fight your way to a machine and patient enough to wait for your card to be read?  Well, great!…you are ready to be a Myki user.  Oh, one small thing.  You also have to pay 10 dollars for the privilege of having the card.  What??!!!!

Akhil (sucker) insisted that we be good citizens and get Myki cards, so, we did. But, as a reluctant Myki user, I confess to a certain amount of civil disobedience.¬† For one thing, I thought it outrageous that we had to pay 10 dollars for cards.¬† So, over time, I have quietly “forgotten” to pay for a few trips that conveniently add up to that 10 dollars. In addition, I make three good faith attempts to scan my¬† card when I board.¬† But, if the system fails three times, I consider it a free ride.¬† With all the sales taxes levied by the government, I feel like we can call it even