Archive for the ‘yoga musings and resources’ Category
Posted on December 29, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 22
Sunday December 27, 2009: I was looking forward to a mellow Sunday. I taught yoga mid-day, had a post-class coffee with a few friends, and then headed back home for a break before teaching a second yoga class. My plan was to meditate during that break. Plans changed when I was involved in a minor car accident on the way home. Neither myself or the other driver were physically harmed but both cars sustained damage and myself and the other driver had differing accounts of what caused the accident. We spoke briefly and pretty calmly, under the circumstances, but it was clear that we did not agree on who caused the accident and there were no witnesses to corroborate either story. I was shaken and frustrated. I phoned my husband to let him know what had happened and to discuss what steps needed to be taken so that I could be sure I was doing all the right things. I became quite focused and “in the moment”- phoning 911, assuring a passing fire truck that we were okay, making sure my registration and insurance information were easily accessible for when the officers arrived, and speaking with the officers who came to the scene to be sure I had everything I needed for my insurance company. Since the car was drivable, I then drove home. But, once I reached home, the calm detachment gave way to all the confusion, fear, anger, indignation, and self-doubt I had been keeping at bay. I repeated the details of the accident to my husband. Then I repeated them again for the insurance agent. And, when not explaining what had happened to someone else, I was replaying the incident over and over in my head. There was the “what if” loop: What if I had gone for a walk in Rock Creek Park with my friend after our coffee instead of going right to my car? I had left a scarf at the yoga studio and stopped to retrieve it on my way back to the car. What if it had taken me 30 seconds longer to locate the scarf? What if I had fiddled with the car radio for a minute before pulling out of my parking space? And there was the “what exactly happened” loop: In the seconds after impact, I confidently asserted my version of events. But, the other driver had his own version. There had to be a right answer, an objective truth? I also realized that I had to get back to the yoga studio to teach the second class. And that I was now without a car. My husband and I set out for the metro and I could barely speak. But, when we got to the studio, I had to jolt myself back into the present. It was actually enormously helpful to teach that class. It gave me a task I had to focus on. Despite my unease, I had to make my students feel safe and comfortable. The sequences I was teaching were particularly playful and energetic so I had to embody that energy for a while. Some of the tension left me. I was able to eat dinner with my husband and make conversation. But, when we returned home and I sat for meditation, my mind hit the “play” button again and all the anxiety returned. I could not sit there quietly and think of anything else. In spite of my stillness, my heart rate was elevated. So, I decided that my goal had to be simply to calm my body down as much as I could, to sort of “rest” my nervous system. I thought it might be helpful to replace the repetition of the accident with the repetition of a mantra so I chanted the bija mantra. Although I could not really push the accident completely out of my mind, I was able to push it from the forefront. The act of chanting did soothe me and I felt my heart rate slow. Like teaching yoga immediately after the accident, meditating forced me to be aware of what was happening in my body and mind, to acknowledge why, to acknowledge that it would eventually pass, and to separate myself from it to some small degree. It was meditation as respite and I was grateful for it.
Posted on December 28, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 21
Saturday December 26, 2009: I sat for Saturday’s meditation following a Yin Yoga practice and used the bija mantra. In spite of a calm, quiet house and a calm, quiet body, my mind was in no mood to settle down. As I chanted the mantras and moved the energy up my spine, I found that I was replaying a conflict I had with someone several months ago. I was considering if and how I might approach her and whether she would respond. In my investigation of chakra meditation, I have read that part of the process is purifying each chakra. As I understand it, we store a lot of our mental and emotional baggage in each of our chakras and, as we meditate on the chakras, we are forced to sort of unpack that baggage and face it in ways that can be really challenging to our egos. In order to achieve bliss, it seems, we have to recognize the ways that we think and behave that prevent us from understanding our true nature and the true nature of the world around us. Part of this work is looking deep enough within to recognize those patterns so we can do the difficult work of changing our behavior. In previous meditations, while I have occasionally been distracted by passing thoughts or mental “to do” lists, I have not really found myself considering past actions. So, I stayed with my internal investigation of this conflict and just let it play out during the meditation. Part of that involved composing an email to her in my head that involved an apology and an explanation. Eventually, I decided to try to shift my focus by coming back to the bija mantra. Using the mantra, I was able to navigate away from my thoughts of this person and our conflict and back to an awareness of my body and the energy flowing through it. When I finished the meditation, I felt fairly calm and I did not return to my thoughts of this person and our difficulties. But, thinking back on it now, I realize that my train of thought during meditation was geared more towards how I might “fix” things with this person. While I did consider things I might have done at the time to prevent the conflict from developing at all, I was more stuck on how I might change this person’s opinion of me now. So, my desire to resolve the conflict is more ego-driven than selfless. I want her to like me and to think well of me. I want us to interact in a way that is more pleasant and less stressful for me. From a yogic perspective, a more helpful approach might be to forget this person’s opinion of me and instead ask myself, “Do I continue to do the same things that led to this past conflict and, if so, how can I change the way I think or act in these situations?” I miss the beginning of this meditation challenge when it was all cool sensations and pretty colors. Digging this deep can make you feel kind of small and hopelessly mired in bad habits.
Posted on December 26, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 20
Friday December 25, 2009: I woke up on December 25th tired and with house guests and the aftermath of our huge Christmas Eve dinner to clean up. But, I also woke up with a huge sense of relief that, in a few short hours, we would officially be done as chefs, decorators, and hosts! After several hours of clean-up, my husband and I took to the couch and stayed there for most of the day for a marathon of mediocre television. Our Christmas Day is usually quiet but it’s a tradition that we all watch a movie together as a family. We got the call from my dad at about 5pm saying we needed to suck it up, get off the couch, and come watch Tarentino’s “Inglorious Basterds”. I figured that, given my options, it was better to meditate pre-Tarentino! After a massive Christmas Eve meal and a day of inertia, I decided I needed to use the ham sa mantra to try to shift out of my lower chakras. The flow of energy was subtle but steady and I could feel a gentle wave rising up towards the crown of my head. After feeling so rooted and grounded all day, it was nice to feel a little bit more expansive. I think overall this third week of meditation has taught me more about the discipline of the practice and coming to meditate even when you don’t feel as if you have much to give. What I’ve found is a comfort in the ritual. As I do it more, I worry less about the “success” of each meditation.
Posted on December 26, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 19
Thursday December 24, 2009: When I started this challenge, I thought the hard part would be continuing to meditate as the holidays got closer and things got more and more hectic. And while a few days it has taken some mental discipline to park myself on that meditation pillow and get to work, these past few days I’ve found it harder to make time to write about my mediation experiences. So, I’m catching up today with my meditations on December 24 and 25. On December 24, I meditated as soon as I woke up because I knew the rest of the day would be crazy and I hoped the meditation might set a tone! I did a short yoga practice first and then sat for meditation. I decided to use the ham sa mantra because I felt like I needed to raise my energy level. We had been up late the night before preparing food for our big family holiday celebration on the evening of the 24th (it’s an Italian tradition) and we had a long day of cooking, decorating, and welcoming guests before us. My mind was full of “mental checklists” for everything from setting the table to finding sushi grade tuna. So, needless to say, it was a bit of a challenge to clear my head. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that my head did not exactly “clear”. What I was able to manage was to turn the volume down to a dull roar. And if some days meditation just allows you to take a few deep breaths and turn off some of the voices in your head, perhaps that’s a success? I was able to step outside of the swift moving current of the moment and to slow down a little inside. I wish I could say that, thanks to over 2 straight weeks of meditation, I never lost my cool that day and I was always in harmony with my surroundings. But, I’d be lying 
What I can say is that I was a little more aware of the shifts in my mind and my body when I did start to get frustrated or anxious and that awareness is perhaps a step towards not getting so caught up in these emotions?
Posted on December 24, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 18
Wednesday December 23, 2009: I think I’m now in the thick of the “challenge” part of the meditation challenge. When I decided to meditate for 30 straight days including Christmas and New Year’s, I knew it was going to be difficult. I knew that as we started cooking for 16 guests on December 23 and prepared to host those guests on December 24th, it was going to get harder to say, “Hey, I know there are 8 leeks and 6 onions and 4 heads of cauliflower and 2 butternut squashes to be chopped and some sushi-grade tuna to be located BUT I’ve got to go meditate.” It’s one thing to know that something is going to be hard and another to experience it! Yesterday was the first day that it really, truly crossed my mind to just skip the meditation. What difference would one day make? It was really late and I was tired and anxious about all that had to be done the next day. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus completely. But, I convinced myself to sit down, and wrap myself in my meditation shawl, and at least try. I could feel myself sort of calm down, at least physically. My mind became steadier but by that I mean it went from arranging and re-arranging 50 things in my head down to about 10 things. I half-heartedly tried to use a mantra but it was not really helping me to focus. So, I decided to try something more simple. I just concentrated, very deliberately, on the rise and fall of my belly. And then I started to exaggerate each inhale, really pushing my belly out, and exhale, sharply drawing my belly button back towards my spine. As I did this, I was either creating or sensing waves of energy at my belly and for some reason my mind was able to let go of all its “projects” for a few minutes and just follow this sensation. After I finished, I got ready for bed. Before the meditation, I was concerned that sleep might not come easy. But, I think the meditation did have a tranquilizing effect as I was able to fall asleep.
Posted on December 24, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 17
Tuesday December 22, 2009: I”m from a southern italian family and we celebrate the birth of Jesus with a big fish dinner on the eve of his birth. My husband grew up in India and his family is Hindu so no Jesus and no fish! This year is the first year my husband and I are hosting Christmas Eve dinner at our house with his family and mine plus friends. We have designed a menu that honors both vegetarians and non while adhering to the italian tradition (superstition?) that there must be an odd number of fishes. His family (sister, brother-in-law, niece, mother, father) are staying with us. So, in the days leading up to this event, things have been a little chaotic. And chaotic is how I would describe my mental state during this meditation. I really couldn’t focus my mind at all. It was leaping from laundering sheets to sea scallops recipes. It was calculating how many forks, knives, and spoons we own. It was, in short, doing everything but focusing on chakras! I tried to use the so ham mantra to settle things down but it just wasn’t happening. I did experience a certain comfort from the ritual. After 16 days, I think my body and mind have come to appreciate the 20 minutes of “quiet time”, the opportunity to be still.
Posted on December 23, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 16
Monday December 21, 2009: Today I meditated in the early evening using the bija mantra. For anyone unfamiliar with the bija mantra, it involves chanting a mantra or sound for each of the chakras and the sounds are Lam, Vam, Ram, Yam, Ham, Om . The sounds, when chanted, create a vibration at their corresponding chakra which helps guide your awareness to the chakra. I started from the muladhara chakra at the base of the spine and worked upward to the sahasrara chakra at the crown of the head. I paused at the crown and then moved the energy back down my spine. But, I was struggling a bit both mentally and physically. I couldn’t quite settle in fully and my concentration wasn’t great. For the first time in these 16 days, my mid-back actually became sore and the pain was distracting. I fidgeted a bit and almost gave up on the meditation. But, then I decided to start again at the muladhara chakra and try to move the energy back up my spine, this time with greater focus. I figured that if I really concentrated my whole being on the chanting, it might help me forget the sensation in my back. As I started to chant again, beginning with Lam, I was able to shift my awareness away from the pain in my back. I tried to really dive into the physical vibration produced by each sound. When I reached the the crown of my head, I actually experienced something new. For the first time, I could feel the energy ascending and descending, simultaneously! It is often said that the goal of chakra meditation is to unite the cosmic energy that lies coiled at the base of the spine (Shakti) with the energy of pure consciousness that resides above the crown of the head (Shiva). Once these are united, it is said, we can achieve true bliss. In my present state, I experience pure bliss as ripe tomatoes in the summer picked when they are still warm from the sun, the final surge of energy at the end of a long run that carries you up the last hill, or the kind of laughter that shakes you down to your toes. But, those waves of energy I felt rising and falling in my own body were pretty cool too!
Posted on December 21, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 15
Sunday December 20, 2009: So, as of yesterday, I am halfway through the challenge! I had the pleasure of meditating yesterday at what I’ve realized is the perfect time to be in my home yoga studio. Right around 1pm or so, the sun shines through the single window in the room and right on to my yoga mat. Outside my backyard is blanketed with about two feet of snow, dumped by a mighty winter storm. But, I sat in that beam of light and meditated with the sun warming my face. I chanted the Bija mantra, moving the energy up my spine. When I reached the chakras at my throat and point between my brows, I began to feel a fairly strong pulse of energy up moving up towards the crown of my head. Although my body was calm and my mind fairly steady, my heart also seemed to beat faster. At first this rising pulsation was very strong. Similar to the previous day, the energy seemed like it was trying to pass through the crown of my head and keep going. But, as I sat longer, it ebbed away to a more gentle wave. My heart, however, still seemed to beat faster and harder even though I was completely still. I’m not sure if this was a true (I couldn’t really take my pulse as I meditated!) or a sensation brought on by the meditation? I did not in any way feel physically agitated or uncomfortable and I did not experience any fear or anxiety. Yet, I definitely had this strong sensation at my heart.
Posted on December 20, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 14
Saturday December 19, 2009: Again today I meditated immediately following a yoga practice but this time it was a flowing sun salutation practice. So, when I finished and sat for meditation, my heart rate was up and my body was warm. My mind felt relatively steady. I decided to meditate in the style that came naturally in the moment and, after a few minutes, began the ham sa/so ham mantra practice. As I have described in earlier posts, I sometimes get kind of “stuck” in the ham sa practice when I try to move the energy up my spine. Sometimes I start to get slightly anxious, sometimes breathing seems more labored, and sometimes I feel a very slight choking sensation. But, in this meditation, the breath seemed to flow very freely and I could really feel energy traveling upward. Again, in past meditations, the energy seemed to radiate out from my center in a sort of wing-like fashion, rather than up to the crown of my head. But yesterday I could feel a very steady, strong pulse rising up to the crown. It was pretty intense, almost like this energy was trying desperately to escape through my skull and rise further. It was an exact counter to the previous day when it felt like there was a force trying to really pin me to the ground. I decided to just sit with the sensation for the remainder of the meditation. I do wonder about the effects of both yoga practices – so different in style – on the meditations that followed.
Posted on December 20, 2009 - by Jennifer
30 Day Meditation Challenge: Day 13
Friday December 18, 2009: Today I meditated after a combined martial arts/Yin Yoga practice. The martial arts workout was long and fairly intense and my energy was very up. But, I did about half an hour of Yin immediately after so my heart rate slowed and my body heat dissipated. Because Yin Yoga involves long-held postures and because I finished the Yin practice with a 10-minute saddle pose, my mind was already fairly calm and my breath already fairly slow and steady. Although I had decided to use the bija mantra this week, when I sat to meditate I decided to return to ham sa/so ham instead. It just felt more right in that moment. As I moved the energy up my spine, it again seemed to radiate outward from my center rather than upward. As I moved it back down, I felt a very strong downward pressure that seemed to encompass my entire body, as if I was trying to dig in and grow roots. It wasn’t like the gentle pulses or even steady waves I had experienced before. It was more like a one big force.
